I heard the MOST amazing story on NPR's This American Life the other day. 43 years ago two baby girls were mistakenly switched at the hospital shortly after birth. Every mother (and kid's) nightmare, right? One of the mothers knew the switch had happened but when she told her husband about it he told her not to say anything because they shouldn't insult the doctor. Over the following years everytime the mother thought she shou;d say soemthing she decided she shouldn't "make any waves".
I was so blown away by this I think my mouth was hanging open in "stun" mode.
The two families lived in a teeny weeny town. It was obvious to EVERYONE that the little girls were clearly related to the other family than the ones that were raising them. Finally the mother who knew wrote letters to the girls and told them. 43 years later.
The fall-out was so painful for all involved. The other mother (how She could not have know gives a whole new meaning to the word "denial"),the girls (now grown with their own children), and the siblings.
This brings many issues to mind for me, the obvious one being the willingness of the mother who "knew" to go along with her husband's wishes to not insult the doctor. That could be the most insane thing I have ever heard. On the other hand, how often do we defer to men as if they knew better? Are we so far away from being burkha-clad ourselves? I can look back on my own life and see many instances where I deferred to a man's perspective and was sorry that I did.
Another issue that this story brings up is the DENIAL. Both those families, and the entire community, knew that those girls were switched because it could not have been more obvious, not only by the looks of the girls but also by their behaviors and personalities, all of which fit perfectly with their birth family but not at all with the family that was raising them as their own.
Denial is an easy lull to fall into. If we stay in denial we won't "rock the boat" or "make waves".
How many times in my own life have I chosen to do just that so as to stay safe? But was I really safe? Denial gives us a false sense of safety and then when the truth is finally revealed (which we knew all along anyway) the crap REALLY hits the fan!
Some things to think about, for sure.
How scary is it really to tell the truth?
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You speak of the unfortunate weaknesses of women in terms of 'deferring to men' and 'denial' as a way to avoid making waves.
ReplyDeleteWhat compels a woman to do this? Is it fear, the need to conform? Is it the inability to express herself as her own person?
Why does a woman allow many so instances of deferral toward a man in her life without resisting it? By doing this, would this make her a 'self-enabler'? Does she have the power to do an intervention on herself to rise above this condition?
What about the inner strengths of women? What about intuition? What about access to the divine feminine? And, in this case, what about the maternal instinct? Why did one mother know about the switch and not the other? Even if the other mother didn't have access to the 'birth facts', wouldn't she have had a strong maternal instinct that told her that something was not right?
You say that it's a problem when women defer to men. What about when men defer to women? Is it less serious when they do it?
What's the difference between 'deferring' and a healthy respect for authority? What does the Priestess Entrepreneur say about deferring to another person in a business context, such as a customer, an employee, a supplier, a peer, etc.?
What's the difference between deferring to a man's perspective and 'learning' from a man's perspective?
Do you think the facts of this story complete? What would you have said to that women who know of the switch if you had known her when the children were infants?
...more things to think about.
~ J
Since you have obviously given MUCH thought to my post I would like to respond in kind.
ReplyDelete"Deferring" behavior is a very primal behavior.
You can see it clearly in dogs when the more submissive ones will defer to the alpha. Humans are not so different in that we too will defer to the "alpha" in our own pack, our family, i.e. the one we think knows best. Oftentimes this works out just great. If you have a dentist in the family you'd want to go to them for advice about your teeth or maybe you have a plumber in the family and he's who you would turn to when the toilet is running. The dilemma arises when you know what needs to be done in a situation and you defer to someone who doesn't, like the woman in the story. She did not trust her own knowing and deferred to her husband who was thinking more about "What would the doctor think?" than what would be the best thing to do for the bigger picture situation.
And yes, men defer too. Women defer more because culturally women have been taught that what they think is not as important as what a man thinks, that her intuitive knowing is not valuable, and that she should not make decisions past what dishwashing soap she should buy.
I think women allow this type of deferring to continue for a few reasons. The main reason is that they do not realize they are deferring, they think of it as "keeping the peace, not wanting to make waves." Women tend to second-guess themselves, not trusting what they know to be true. This can be directly correlated to how the culture devalues the impact of emotions and devalues the intuitive senses, both of which are very developed in women.
A woman can learn new behavior but first she must be aware of how the behaviors that need to be changed are impacting her negatively. Even then it is quite challenging to change because the consequences of her changing could threaten the security of herself and her family. If a woman is dependent on a partner to finacially support her and her family then it may be too threatening to her to make changes in her behavior if she thinks that behavior change will mean that her support is threatened. Hence the case for a woman to make her own money and not be dependent on someone else for her financial security.
Men do defer to women as well, especially more passive men.
I think anytime we defer to another person(male or female) if we are doing it unconsciously, it becomes aproblem. ANY TIME we behave unconsciously and negative effects come from it there is a problem. Part of the Priestess credo is to WAKE UP and stay awake in your life. Be aware about what is going on in your own life so you can make the best decisions for yDenial is one of the ways we keep ourselves asleep. We tell ourselves that something is not happening, even if we KNOW it is.
Business relationships are just like any other relationship. See what the truth is about the relationship and take action accordingly.Never give up your stance of empowerment. You can choose to accomodate someone but have it ALWAYS be your conscious choice.
Denial is deadly. If you refuse to see the python in the room, don't whine when you get poisoned.If you see the python in the room, DO something about it!
The Priestess says: Wisdom is LOVE in action. When action needs to be taken: See it, admit it, get support, and then do it. And for goodness sake, stay awake at the wheel!
Cindy
Priestess Entrepreneur